UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
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I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
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All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
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