I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
