I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
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I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
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I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
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