My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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