So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
I intend to get homeless drunk
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Vodka?
Forever.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
