So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Randomize
