and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
my poor anus
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
