and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Randomize
