dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
