dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
i was born a porn star she said
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
