you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
And then my night got REAL pukey
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
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