ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
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