I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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