So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
