I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
