Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Less talking, more tequila
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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