So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
