Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Hey in a lighter note I also nutted in that cheerleader too if she got prego there would have been a team reunion on Maury
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
