god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
