i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize