im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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