She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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