Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
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