As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
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I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
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We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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