anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Randomize
