Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
