I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
