Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
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