you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Drunk is not a location!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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