so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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