i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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