i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
