I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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