When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
