im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
