Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Houston, we have a squirter
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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