It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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