you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
