If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Randomize
