Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
