Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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