lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
She's like a pop up book from hell.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
That accounts for only three of the penises
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
