mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
I could make wine with my vomit
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
