1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Randomize