Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We were mid fuck, and he did a Kermit the Frog impression. Is it weird that I was strangely turned on?
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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