Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
