please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
