i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
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That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
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Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
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