just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Randomize
