So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
