You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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