I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
