Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Randomize
