I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
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