I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
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I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
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No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Dick very happy bro
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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