I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
